Transcript

The main question I get from people is, “Is my anxiety a warning sign to leave?” 

The basic answer is No. Anxiety is information. All it tells you is that you’re scared. 

This is the first mindset shift I want you to make: Anxiety is not the truth, and it’s not the final answer. It just means you’re afraid. 

How do we know this?  Well, the recipe for anxiety is really simple:  Something matters to you, and the outcome is uncertain. That’s all it takes to feel anxious. 

There doesn’t have to be some secret reason you feel anxious. 

You don’t have to ask, “Am I in the wrong relationship, but I’m secretly in denial about it, and the anxiety is warning me that I’m lying to myself?” Oh my gosh, that is so complicated.   

Think basic: Something matters to me, and the outcome is uncertain. That’s all it takes to feel afraid. 

Think about your situation. Does something here matter to you? Yes, relationships really matter to you. That’s why you’re here. 

Next, is the outcome uncertain? Yes. You don’t know what will happen in your relationship. Will you and this person stay together or separate? Will you two work out as a couple? We don’t know.  

And as a therapist who specializes in anxiety, I can tell you, us anxious folk hate not knowing. We want the answer.  

At the core of it, we want to know we’re safe.

That’s why relationships throw us for a loop, because there is no answer.

You can’t know in advance how things are going to go, because the future is really long, and you’re not omniscient - you can’t know the future.

The best you can do is make a guess - an educated guess - but still a guess. 

And that’s scary, because it means you’re operating without knowing the right answer. 

This is the second mindset shift I want you to make. Feeling scared in a relationship is natural.

Feeling scared is the flip side of caring about something. 

Actors have an expression, “Nerves mean you care.” I really love that, because it makes feeling nervous a normal part of the process. It’s difficult, but it’s not the problem.   

An actor wouldn’t say, “I’m nervous, that means something is wrong, so I shouldn’t go out on stage, I should sit in the waiting room and figure out what this anxiety means.”  No! The show must go on!

BUT, when it comes to relationship anxiety, society - at least in the West - tells us “If you’re unsure about your relationship - if you’re nervous - be careful, slow down, think twice. If you’re doubting, don’t go forward. Listen to your intuition. Trust your gut.”

All of this advice shares the same assumption. The assumption that anxiety is a problem, it shouldn’t be there, and that you need to get rid of it. 

And that assumption causes so much suffering. If there’s a problem, it’s not the anxiety - it’s that assumption. [The problem is the assumption that anxiety shouldn't be there, or that only a small amount is acceptable, and that anything larger is a sign of trouble.]

If you buy that assumption, then any time you feel scared, you’re going to think, “Uh oh, there’s a problem.” 

And then guess what happens? Your body releases more adrenaline. Then you feel more anxious, and you go “Uh oh, the problem just got worse.” And your body releases more adrenaline. And the ROCD cycle gets bigger and bigger and bigger. 

As long as you treat your anxiety as a problem, as a sign that something is wrong, you’re going to stay stuck. 

That’s why I want you to practice this mindset shift - it’s fundamental to recovery - Anxiety does not mean something is wrong; anxiety is information, it tells you you’re scared. 

How you practice this mindset shift is up to you. You can use post-it notes, a daily calendar reminder, whatever you need to do to drill this in. 

What we’re going for is that when anxiety pops up, you’ll talk to yourself in a new way. You’ll remind yourself, “This is normal. I’m scared. No big deal.” [Nerves mean you care!] When you do this, it keeps the situation from getting worse. 

For me, when relationship anxiety shows up - which is pretty rare these days, but it still does - I’ll say to myself something like: “Okay, I feel nervous about my relationship. I wish I didn’t, but I do. It doesn’t mean there’s a problem, it just means something here is really important to me and I feel afraid. This doesn’t mean I need to think about leaving.”  

Talking to myself that way keeps a scary situation from turning into something unmanageable. It’s such an important skill, I cannot overstate it, and it’s why I want you to get really good at it. 

So, when you feel afraid and things feel really urgent, like you have to make a choice right there and then, slow down, slow your roll, and start practicing this skill: “Being afraid doesn’t mean I have to leave, it just means there’s something here I really care about.” 

We’re going to go deeper into this idea in later lessons, but for now, start simple.  

Ok, I’ll see you in core lessons!